Remembrance
by Mrs. HopeEstheim
Summary: CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR HTTYD2. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. Sometimes I miss you with a smile, but sometimes I can't miss you without tears.


**CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR PERHAPS THE MOST EMOTIONAL PART OF HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 2. IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN IT, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.**

* * *

Sometimes I miss you with a smile, Stoick, but sometimes I can't miss you without tears.

It was the same when I was in my nest, with all of my dragons. Alone, with dragons that I rescued, those I almost raised, those that I comforted as they ailed and ultimately passed on, and those that were my constant companions for twenty years. The whole time, I was missing you, Stoick. And Hiccup, of course. The two of you were my entire life, the things that made my breast swell with pride when I watched you parading around Berk, the child in one arm as you directed the men to do something.

In those twenty years I was gone, I never stopped missing you. I would remember when we danced and drank and made merry on the night we were wed, and oh, how I loved the way you boasted that you would have the strongest, bravest children of them all. I would smile, or chuckle, at the remembrance, and continue to reminisce the happy moments. I would miss your touch—the gentle caress of your hand, or the passionate feelings you awakened within me. During the first few years, I would still flush at the remembrance, like a shy maid on her wedding night, but then time continued to pass, and though I missed you fervently, some of the memories dimmed.

The most painful thing was the fear.

What I feared the most was that I would _forget_ you. I feared that I would forget the love of my life, my darling dear, and my precious babe, still in a cradle when I left. I couldn't even count the number of times that I hopped on Cloud Jumper's back, intent on going home to Berk…only to realize that I didn't know which direction I had come from.

And I know I could have looked at the sun, or the stars, but for some reason it never occurred to me, and it probably never occurred to me because secretly, I feared coming back. I was afraid of returning on Cloud Jumper's back because I didn't know what you would do to him if I did. Would you hurt him? Maim him? Or, great Odin's ghost…_kill_ him?

He was as dear a friend to me as Gobber always was to both of us.

I couldn't risk his life for my own selfishness…and I assured myself that you and the rest of Berk believed me dead already. You would be over your grieving period by then, and I would just open wounds better left alone.

Deep inside, though, I always wondered, _what would happen if I went back to Berk? If I went home?_

Eventually, that thought faded to the back of my mind, because I forced myself to believe that I was already home. In the ice nest created by the Alpha, a place that had become nearly as comfortable and familiar to me as all of Berk had ever been, I allowed myself to truly come alive for what felt like the first time.

Did you resent me, truly, when you saw me?

I still remember the look on your face, in your eyes, as I stuttered and blathered on, begging you to scream at me, to say something, _anything_, to reprimand me for leaving you to raise our marvelous son on your own…and then you told me I was just as beautiful as the day Cloud Jumper took me away.

The ice I had built around my heart was just as easily melted as it had been the first time, and I felt myself remembering why I fell in love with you in the first place. I could see that you had aged, with the white streaks in your once fiery hair, but you were the same man I married all those years ago. And when I look at Hiccup, I can see the impact you had on his life, too. He was so much like me at first, a bit impulsive, but always attempting to be the peacemaker…but then I started to see the bits of you in him that I had always admired the most.

You were right, all those years ago. We had ended up with the strongest, bravest son in all of Berk…though not quite in the ways you had anticipated then.

But now…now I know how you felt when you thought you had lost me.

And it _hurts_.

Stoick, I miss you.

I miss you so much that my heart clenches painfully when I turn around in the house to ask you to reach for something stored out of my reach…and you're not there. And it still happens, even though it's been years since I watched your trip to the table of kings, waiting, hoping, to hear some kind of welcome as you were accepted into Valhalla.

And then I regret. When I remember, I can do nothing but regret, even though I know it would cause you pain.

I regret that I ran away, or that I stayed away, when I should have returned. This feeling that I'm enduring is one that I forced upon you when you deserved so much better.

It felt…it feels like my world has shattered.

I'm picking up the pieces as well as I can—I have been, for years and years and years now—and the only reason I can continue on is because of how much of you I can see in Hiccup. He's brave, and strong, and courageous, and the greatest son that a woman like me could ever ask for. And sometimes I think that I don't deserve him, that I should be forced to regret and suffer as I made you suffer all those years. I know you wouldn't like me to think like that, though, and I know that the similarities to me that you found in him are part of what helped you make it through, too.

But even so…the tears won't stop coming.

As I lay in bed tonight, remembering you, I cry. I cry for the years that I could have had with you, if only I had believed I could change your mind about the dragons. The tears fall for all the pain I must have caused you while I was out gallivanting around, saving dragons and taunting those dragon trappers that wounded my precious comrades. I cry because I missed out on our Hiccup growing into the man he was when I first met him, and because I missed how you helped him become that man. But perhaps most of all, I cry because I wish you could have held me in your arms, this night and every night of my life, just one more time.

I have always loved you, Stoick, and even though you can't hold me, I know you're with us.

And that will have to suffice, although it can never be enough.

* * *

**And another HTTYD2 one-shot because I feel like it. Whatcha gonna do about it?**

**This one was written and completed between 12:25 AM and 12:49 AM, so if you find any mistakes or have any questions about it, just tell me so! (I also kind of stole the ending line from a Fairy Tail deathfic I wrote a few years ago because I liked it and thought it fit).**

**Thanks for reading.**


End file.
